end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
where am i from again
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Damn victory sex feels great
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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