You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
