I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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