Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
