Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Please, let me fuck your mom
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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