You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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