I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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