Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
