8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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