Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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