We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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