I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize