I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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