Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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