i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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