I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
They took my balls.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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