if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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