He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
