I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
