Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
