Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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