last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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