"it" just moved
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
