You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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