turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
