im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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