There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Drunk walkin through police station. America
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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