remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
