Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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