Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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