it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
