So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
