sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
