I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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