I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
