i love accidental penises.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's official drugs can't kill me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize