I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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