i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Ladies don't puke and tell
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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