My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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