People in love make me want to vomit
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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