According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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