peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We don't watch enough power rangers
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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