dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
