I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
