sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
