Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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