the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
