His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
