Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
