Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
