im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize