I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
