If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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