Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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