I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize