I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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