If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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