It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
