I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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