I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
