Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The uberlube is also flammable
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
