i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
