True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
