Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
