Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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