I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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