I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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