On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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