i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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